The Cannonball Does Not ‘Bounce Off’ The Glass!

On the rocky, volcanic surface of planet Happyrainbows, a green crystal has been forming on top of a stalagmite. A green crystal the likes of which most minifigures would kill for: raw Manaic Beer. Once processed, it becomes a highly alcoholic beverage that gives incredible ferocity in battle to all who take a swig. Two regiments, from two different space armies, have been deployed to recover it. Neither of them knows of the other’s presence… but no doubt, they soon will!

Goal: Be holding the Crystal at the end of Round Five, when the Drop-Ships for each respective side will pick up each army. Alternatively, wiping out the other force by the end of Round Five will also grant you victory.

1 - Pacifus RegimentPacifus Regiment marched through the blackened valley, the heavily-armed Patriot Space Tank rolling behind them. “Hey,” said Heavy trooper Blitzen, “Remember that time when you guys all died, and I had one arm and no gun, and I killed four troops and won the battle for you?”

“Yeah. You told that story five minutes ago.” Heavy trooper Donner growled.

“Both of you be quiet!” Commander Pacifus barked, turning towards them and twirling his Chainsaw of Heroic Beheading in a threatening fashion. “Focus on getting that Crystal.”

“Why?” Heavy Blitzen grinned nonchalantly.

Commander Pacifus stopped walking, turned swiftly around, and stared Blitzen down with his mechanical eye, his chainsaw edging dangerously close to the Heavy Trooper. “Because…” Pacifus said menacingly. “It’s shiny.” With that the egotistical Hero turned back to face the trail. “There it is.” He pointed with his chainsaw. “Raw Maniac Beer… in its crystallized form!”

2 - The Blue Space Regiment

“This is Blue Space Brigade Beta Squadron. We have spotted the crystal and are on approach.” The pilot switched his radio to a different channel. “You doing okay down there?”

“Never better.” Bluestar the Hero grunted. “But this rocky terrain doesn’t making wearing heavy armor any easier… why couldn’t I ride on top of the plane like Bill there?”

“Too heavy.” the pilot radioed back. “And you Bill? Holding on okay back there?”

“I… I’m doing… fine!” the trooper called back over the comm.

“Wait. Who are those guys?” Bluestar radioed from below.

“I… don’t know! They must be after the crystal!” the pilot stuttered back.

“We can’t allow them to take it! Forward!” Bluestar roared, waving his ax and running forwards at a snail’s pace, as the great space plane swooped in overhead, with Bill sitting uncomfortably on the back.

3 - Overview

Round One: 

Both forces do some moving, but neither of them are in range of the other.

4 - Overview Round 1Round Two: 

 Blue Star Brigade

The blue ship surges forward, now sailing directly over the crater. Bill desperately hopes he won’t fall off into the volcanic formation.

5 - Ship flies      The pilot grins, firing as many of his guns as possible at Pacifus, who was unfortunately standing right in their sights. The damage would be enough to kill the grim Hero, but he calls in a Response Action, choosing to Bail behind the rock formation. Not the most heroic of actions, he reflects, but he’s alive, and that’s what matters.

6 - Pacifus Heroicly Avoids Death                                                                      Pacifus Regiment

Pacifus gets up, (luckily he’s only wearing light armor) and his troops charge forwards, hoping to be the first to the Crystal. Meanwhile, the Patriot aims its rather large Primary Cannon at the blue ship, which is now far too close to the massive weapon…

7 - The Regiment moves forwards“The cannonball bounces off the glass.” my brother stated simply.

“The cannonball bounces off the glass.” I scoffed.

“Yes. It’s Space Glass.”

“Cannonballs do not ‘bounce off’ glass!”


The Patriot’s cannonball smashes into the glass, causing it to shatter. However, the damage roll for the projectile is pathetically low, and both the pilot and the delicate control panels escape unharmed.

8 - Missile Strike

However, the Patriot wasn’t yet finished. Angela (the pilot of the great war machine) takes aim with the first of the two flick-fire missiles. It veers far to the left, striking high on the volcanic wall. However, the wing of the spacecraft was still in range of the explosion, and a lucky roll causes some fancy armor plating to bust off. Unfortunately that doesn’t help me much.

9 - Missile damages wingRound Three: 

For no reason apparent to me, my sister walked in, dropped some dynamite on the board, and walked out. We decided to leave it there.10 - Overview Round 2Blue Star Brigade:

That blue ship takes a shot at the Patriot. However, the damage roll is rather low, failing in its attempt to bust off the 2″ cannon on the top.

11 - Guns fail against Bigger GunMeanwhile, Bill decides to challenge fate, and grab the Green Crystal. With one of the plane’s wings lowered, he musters up his courage. The sight of the gleaming crystal below provides all the motivation he needs.12 - Climbing downHe clambers down the side, careful not to incinerate himself in the exhaust of the starship’s engines…13 - Careful!                                  And hangs from the wing, reaching out to grab the crystal. “It’s so beautiful!” he sobs as he reaches out to grab it.14 - Nearly...Lucky for him, he succeeds; and he breaks the glowing thing off from its resting place. The Maniac Beer will soon be theirs! Assuming they can keep it until the end of Round Five.15 - Got it!Meanwhile, Bluestar isn’t without plans of his own. Grabbing the dynamite that just fell from the sky, he tosses it at Pacifus and Co.16 - Dynamite!                                               Although Commander Pacifus and Jake the Scout are knocked back by the impact, the damage is low and both of them survive.17 - Harmless Explosion  Pacifus Regiment: 

Pacifus and the Scout both get up from the dirt and proceed to fire at Bluestar. Unfortunately, none of their attacks succeed in damaging him. That Heavy Armor of his is paying off.

18 - Kablammo

Angela, swearing that this next flick-fire missile will go much better than the last one, fires it. It hits another wall. The explosion is cool but it hits nothing.

19 - Rocky splosion

Round Four:

20 - Round three overview

Blue Star Brigade:

That blue space ship flips out a nasty surprise. A hidden flick-fire turret, armed with two Size 3 missiles! The first one detonates altogether too close to the Patriot, toasting Angela. The great war machine is now derelict.

21 - Missile

Smirking at the success of his first missile, the Pilot readies the second one. “This one will do a lot of damage.” he snarks, and aims it directly Pacifus’ group…

22 - Preparing to fire

Unfortunately for him, fate has a sense of humor. The missile indeed clears the barrel, but travels about a fourth of an inch before detonating on the ship’s back. The damage, however, fails in face of the Level 3 armor, and the ship remains unharmed, aside from the pride of the pilot. All launchable missiles on the board have now been used.

23 - Fail!

Angered by his failure, the pilot takes the ship up higher, hoping to avoid being shot at.

24 - Ship moves

Pacifus Regiment:

Unfortunately, the pilot just made a huge mistake. Bill, still clinging desperately to the wing of the ship, is now totally in sight of the Heavies Donner and Blitzen. Grinning knowingly, they open fire on the poor guy…

25 - Fire at the target!

And he takes massive overkill damage from both of them. He drops from the ship’s wing, falling into the burning crater.

26 - Smoldering defeat

“Hold on.” Pacifus says. “I haven’t done anything Heroic this entire battle! That must change! GraaAAAHHH!” The commander charges forwards, taking a Heroic Action: his classic Heroic Beheading. However, Bluestar didn’t take an action last turn, and so he uses a Heroic Action in response. Both of them charge towards each other, each simultaneously rolling for a Heroic Beheading of the opponent…

27 - Heroic Beheading x2

The result was practically inevitable.

28 - We're all winners here

Jake, seeing that Bluestar is no longer guarding the entrance to the crater, dashes in, clambering over the sharp rocky barrier.

29 - Onwards to treasure

Round Five:

30 - Round 4 overview

Blue Star Brigade:

With Bluestar and Bill both dead, the Pilot is running low on options. It’s Round Five, the dropship is due any minute now, and options are few. The only way to save face now would be to stay alive until the end of this round. Which does not explain the pilot’s choice to land his ship in the middle of the volcanic crater.

31 - Emergency Landing

Pacifus Regiment: 

Doc Razy, the Miracle Man, (out of the seven surgeries he’s performed throughout our games, six of them have been perfect) grabs his axe and attempts Ker-Triage! on Angela.

32 - Ker-triage!

Amazingly it works, with no severed limbs. His complete-success rate is now 7/8.

33 - Hoorah!

The newly-revived Angela powers up the 2″ gun on top of the Patriot. The shot is -2, use rating 4. If she doesn’t roll a 6, then Blue Star regiment will no doubt win the game.

34 - Kablam!

Well whaddya know? A 6! The resulting damage destroys the pilot.

35 - Lucky...

And that wraps up the game! With the Blue Star Regiment completely destroyed, Pacifus Regiment wins. However, as they don’t have the Crystal, the green treasure remains lying on the volcanic ground as the drop-ship arrives. “Get inside!” A pilot yells, the metal doors of the drop-ship sliding open.

“No! The crystal!” Pacifus screams, wishing his arm were about sixty feet longer and fireproof.

“There’s no time!” the pilot yells. Spacebucks closes at 8 PM and they’ll barely make it at this rate.

“Fine. But mark my words. I will return!” Pacifus roars, and clambers into the ship after his underlings. The plastic creation rises from the blackened valley and thrusts out into the stars. But this won’t be the last of it. As soon as he can, he’ll return again to recover the crystalline Maniac Beer… no matter the odds.


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