On the planet LoD, there was a range of lumps in the landscape called the Flattish Mountains; renowned as the most dangerous and hostile place on the planet. No fortifications had ever been built there. Not because it was dangerous and hostile, but because it was also a place so boring that it wasn’t even worth defending. But that didn’t stop Prince Gregory Hollowhead! Finding a large pile of rocks, he insisted that a castle be built on top of it, and so in a few hours his fortress was constructed; he creatively christened the place Castle Rockpile. However, none of his men were enthusiastic about keeping watch over an empty field, so the castle was abandoned; left fully stocked with supplies in case they should ever return that way. (They didn’t.)
That is, until word got out that a great treasure had been hidden on top of the uttermost tower. Those closest in the area set out immediately, hoping to snatch it before greedy ruffians could take it for themselves.
It was a passing group of mercenaries known as the Spider Riders that first caught wind of the treasure. Turning around their massive Arachnus Deathicus, they made a beeline for the tower. “Hold on.” muttered Sir Vanguard, his blue chest crystal gleaming in the sunlight. “There in the distance. Is that?”
“Yes!” exclaimed Smalin the dwarf, his horse pulling up to a stop. “The Flameburndown family!”
Arthur Flameburndown eased off on the throttle of his Fire Mech. “You doing alright Grandpa?” he called.
“Yeh. Jus’ give meh a sec, I’ll be fine…” the old man muttered. “And you, girls?”
“We’re fine too. Now focus.” said Arthur’s grandmother, blond hair flowing loose. Behind her stood both the girlfriends of Arthur and his younger brother.
“I’m good; thanks for asking.” muttered Junior Flameburndown. “Nobody asked you!” barked Grandpa. “It’s disgraceful to be an ice ninja in a family named Flameburndown…”
“I didn’t have a choice!” Junior shouted. “Arthur there got the cool sword and the fire robot!” “Enough!” Grandma belted. “There’s people over there.”
“I can’t see anything.” Grandpa squinted.
“She’s right.” Arthur said in the coolest voice he could muster, turning on the flames to the sword of his mechanical suit. “Kill them all!”
Both teams spend the entire turn moving. Nobody is in attacking range yet, but somehow Junior trips over his own shoelaces. Grandpa snickers. Arthur was always his favorite grandson.
Junior gets up, brushes the dust off his spotless white uniform, and sprints forwards as Grandpa trips over a rock. Now it’s Junior’s turn to smirk.
Arthur, intent on showing off for his spear-carrying girlfriend, makes an effort to hack down a tree… but to no avail. Embarrassingly, he misses it completely, despite the great size of both his sword and the tree. Junior snickers in the distance.
They spend their entire turn moving. Still nobody within attacking range.
Grandma and the girlfriends run forwards, aiming their throwing spears. Neither of the girlfriends attempt to throw their spears, but Grandma sends hers into the air with power and grace, impaling Bill the Oreo-Kai. Arachnus Deathicus scuttles to a halt as it realizes it now has no pilot.
Roaring with anger at the vegetation, Arthur performs Heroic Gardening, felling both trees in one fiery stroke.
In a confusing series of events, Junior runs forwards, meeting Smalin in a Charge! Although he manages to kill the horse-riding dwarf, the horse kicks him backwards, sending him flying four inches into the air.
Buck, the still-living Oreo-Kai, pushes his dead comrade’s carcass out of the pilot’s seat.
Whereupon Stephen, the Medic, prepares for a Ker-Triage…
And he rolls a 3. Not the brightest moment in his career, he reflects as he chops an arm and a leg off the minifig. “Don’t worry.” he smiles to the patient. “You’re going to be just fine!”
The Spider Sword hero charges forwards! Using a Response Action, one of the girlfriends lugs a spear at him, but it merely glances off his shield. She should have paid more attention in Grandma’s lessons…
The hero, undeterred, makes a swing at Grandma… but critically fails! His sword goes flying out of his hand; a stumble die determining the distance and trajectory.
The girlfriend who failed last turn, angry at her bad aim, moves over and snatches up her spear again. With that, both of the black-haired beauties send spears flying towards Bill, trying to kill him a second time! The girl from last turn’s spear misses yet again, instead striking the spider in the face but not doing much. The other spear, however, goes sailing beautifully, smashing Bill in half. “Take that, you creep!” she yells, her battle bravado replacing intelligent thought.
Grandma, now without a spear, attempts to shove the heavily-armored Hero with her shield. Unfortunately for her, the Hero’s heavy armor stops her blow cold.
Meanwhile Arthur turns on the fire-sword to maximum heat. “I…” he shouts. “Am Arthur Fireburndown! Feel the heat of my wrath!” He proceeds to critically fail a sprint attempt, the foot of his mech breaking off as he lunges to one side, trying to stay upright. The Spider Riders look on and laugh.
Junior watches as Arthur fails his attempt to use the Fire Mech for anything useful, and turns towards the horse that kicked him last turn. Gritting his teeth, he attempts a Heroic Jumping Onto Horse!
He sails through the air gracefully, arcing towards the riderless horse’s back…
The horse has other ideas.
For the second turn in a row, Junior is kicked back to where he started by a horse. Great-grandfather Flameburndown is rolling in his grave for lack of epicness.
The medic, once again, steps forwards to revive Bill. This time, he critically succeeds; Bill takes no more amputations! Which is good for him, as he doesn’t have a lot more to lose…
Sir Vanguard watches as both the Flameburndown sons fail their heroic actions, laughing. “Kids. I”ll show you how it’s done!” he exclaims, and attempts to perform a Heroic Beheading of Arthur’s girlfriend…
Which Critically Fails, causing his slice to miss her completely, instead beheading the next thing in range… Stephen the Medic. “Oops!” Vanguard exclaims. “My bad.”
Buck the Oreo-Kai grimaces. “Amateurs.” he growls, and proceeds to hack down Junior’s date.
Arthur, still determined to act like the awesome fire ninja he’s supposed to be, pushes the Fire Mech forward; the metal machine jumps on one leg in order to move at all.
Junior gets up, and, tired of trying to get on that stubborn horse, instead just Sprints; running a full thirteen inches.
Grandpa’s mind has drifted to those beer tankards in the left-hand room, and he darts inside. “Just a quick drink or three.”
The remaining Girlfriend attempts to shove Sir Vanguard over, but to no avail.
Buck, being the awesome Oreo-Kai that he is, takes out the second spear-thrower. Unfortunately it’s Grandma. “Sorry.” he grunts.
Sir Vanguard swings his sword in an attempt to behead the last woman on the board, but to no avail. Her years of limbo experience have paid off!
Buck notices Grandpa and starts after him, while Bill spends his entire turn getting up again.
The girlfriend who so narrowly avoided death last turn grabs up a spear from the ground and charges Arachnus Deathicus with it. Although her spear does some damage, it’s not enough; and the monstrous spider’s response action crushes her.
Arthur, relieved that he finally gets to do something cool, opens fire with the Mech’s Fire Gun! It’s two damage points short of killing Sir Vanguard, who was caught in the middle of the explosion.
Junior hacks at Arachnus Deathicus from behind, and the damage – combined with the last spear girl’s attack – is enough to take one point off the thing’s four health!
Meanwhile Grandpa has almost reached the Beer!
Bill decides that despite his physical disabilities, nothing will stop him from pursuing his dreams of death and destruction. In a moment inspirational to all of us, he fires the catapult. The resulting overkill damage is huge…
The Fire Mech explodes, Arthur perishing in the flames as joints break off, systems burn to a crisp, and the mighty Mech falls on its back.
Grandpa finally reaches the twin tankards, and takes a swig to discover… it’s no normal beer! Kept in a medieval cask to fit the aesthetic, it’s none other than Maniac Beer! As the green fumes arise from the noxious drink, he takes a heavy swig. So long as he carries that barrel, he receives one extra die of damage to all attacks!
Junior attempts to kick Bill off the back of the Arachnus Deathicus, but – as most Heroic Actions have done this game – he fails, instead injuring his foot on Bill’s armor and falling into the dirt.
Bill directs the Arachnus Deathicus to attack Junior; the sharp claws slashing towards him. Amazingly, against all odds, Junior survives both attacks, rolling first to one side and then the other; the razor-sharp talons narrowly hitting the ground instead of his head.
And Buck takes a detour from chasing Grandpa to pick up the sword of his leader. “I feel the power… I feel the power!” he snorts, lifting it into the air.
“You boy!” Sir Vanguard exclaims haughtily. “You dare to challenge me?” “Um… yes!” Junior says, wishing he was better at heroic comebacks. “A duel, then!” the knight exclaims. The two heroes charge each other, creating a Heroic Duel!
Unfortunately for Vanguard, the ground is ridden with gopher holes. He trips, just in time for Junior’s otherwise inexperienced sword to slash him in half.
Grandpa charges out, somewhat crazed by the hyper-alcoholic beverage. He swings the flag towards an unsuspecting Buck…
Smashing him in half before he even got the chance to use his new sword.
Bill, knowing that the tide has to turn or he won’t last much longer, guns the Arachnus Deathicus forward, Charge!ing Grandpa. The result? A whopping thirty-five points of damage to the five needed to kill the intoxicated family member.
This is why you should not drink and drive, or drink while other people are driving giant spider monsters.
Junior leaps up to the top of Arachnus Deathicus. This is his time! His time to shine!
Bill shoves him off.
But that doesn’t deter Junior! Getting up again, he leaps into the air; performing an ice-ninja triple twirl sword slash…
That conveniently ends with Bill sliced into more pieces than he already was in.
With that, the battle is over, with Junior the only man left alive! An overview of the carnage:
Although the fight was decent, the golden treasure chest remains completely untouched… until one day, far in the future, when Rockpile Castle has become a tourist attraction… two mobs of friendly visitors, enraged by the closure of the souvenir shop, will viciously fight to bring home that very same chest of treasure…
Stay tuned for Episode 2 of the Rockpile Saga!