The Rockpile Castle Saga: Giant Spiders and Little Brothers

2 - Doorway

On the planet LoD, there was a range of lumps in the landscape called the Flattish Mountains; renowned as the most dangerous and hostile place on the planet. No fortifications had ever been built there. Not because it was dangerous and hostile, but because it was also a place so boring that it wasn’t even worth defending. But that didn’t stop Prince Gregory Hollowhead! Finding a large pile of rocks, he insisted that a castle be built on top of it, and so in a few hours his fortress was constructed; he creatively christened the place Castle Rockpile.  However, none of his men were enthusiastic about keeping watch over an empty field, so the castle was abandoned; left fully stocked with supplies in case they should ever return that way. (They didn’t.)

3 - Beer and Chicken

That is, until word got out that a great treasure had been hidden on top of the uttermost tower. Those closest in the area set out immediately, hoping to snatch it before greedy ruffians could take it for themselves.

4 - Golden Chest

It was a passing group of mercenaries known as the Spider Riders that first caught wind of the treasure. Turning around their massive Arachnus Deathicus, they made a beeline for the tower. “Hold on.” muttered Sir Vanguard, his blue chest crystal gleaming in the sunlight. “There in the distance. Is that?”

“Yes!” exclaimed Smalin the dwarf, his horse pulling up to a stop. “The Flameburndown family!”

5 - Merciless Mercenaries

Arthur Flameburndown eased off on the throttle of his Fire Mech. “You doing alright Grandpa?” he called.

“Yeh. Jus’ give meh a sec, I’ll be fine…” the old man muttered. “And you, girls?”

“We’re fine too. Now focus.” said Arthur’s grandmother, blond hair flowing loose. Behind her stood both the girlfriends of Arthur and his younger brother.

“I’m good; thanks for asking.” muttered Junior Flameburndown. “Nobody asked you!” barked Grandpa. “It’s disgraceful to be an ice ninja in a family named Flameburndown…”

“I didn’t have a choice!” Junior shouted. “Arthur there got the cool sword and the fire robot!” “Enough!” Grandma belted. “There’s people over there.”

“I can’t see anything.” Grandpa squinted.

“She’s right.” Arthur said in the coolest voice he could muster, turning on the flames to the sword of his mechanical suit. “Kill them all!”

1 - Flameburnfire Family  With that the battle begun!

Round One:

6 - Round One Overview

Both teams spend the entire turn moving. Nobody is in attacking range yet, but somehow Junior trips over his own shoelaces. Grandpa snickers. Arthur was always his favorite grandson.

7 - Junior Trips

Round Two:

8 - Overview Round 2

Flameburndown Family:

Junior gets up, brushes the dust off his spotless white uniform, and sprints forwards as Grandpa trips over a rock. Now it’s Junior’s turn to smirk.

9 - Grandpa trips

Arthur, intent on showing off for his spear-carrying girlfriend, makes an effort to hack down a tree… but to no avail. Embarrassingly, he misses it completely, despite the great size of both his sword and the tree. Junior snickers in the distance.

10 - Flame Sword fails

Spider Riders:

They spend their entire turn moving. Still nobody within attacking range.

Round Three:

11 - Turn Three Overview

Flameburndown Family: 

Grandma and the girlfriends run forwards, aiming their throwing spears. Neither of the girlfriends attempt to throw their spears, but Grandma sends hers into the air with power and grace, impaling Bill the Oreo-Kai. Arachnus Deathicus scuttles to a halt as it realizes it now has no pilot.

12 - Spear kills Bill

Roaring with anger at the vegetation, Arthur performs Heroic Gardening, felling both trees in one fiery stroke.

13 - Die, trees!

In a confusing series of events, Junior runs forwards, meeting Smalin in a Charge! Although he manages to kill the horse-riding dwarf, the horse kicks him backwards, sending him flying four inches into the air.

14 - Kills pilot, horse kicks

Spider Riders:

Buck, the still-living Oreo-Kai, pushes his dead comrade’s carcass out of the pilot’s seat.

15 - Body dumping

Whereupon Stephen, the Medic, prepares for a Ker-Triage…

16 - Miracles of Modern Science

And he rolls a 3. Not the brightest moment in his career, he reflects as he chops an arm and a leg off the minifig. “Don’t worry.” he smiles to the patient. “You’re going to be just fine!”

17 - It'll be okay

The Spider Sword hero charges forwards! Using a Response Action, one of the girlfriends lugs a spear at him, but it merely glances off his shield. She should have paid more attention in Grandma’s lessons…

18 - Spear misses

The hero, undeterred, makes a swing at Grandma… but critically fails! His sword goes flying out of his hand; a stumble die determining the distance and trajectory.

19 - Sword!

Round Four:

21 - Overview turn 4

Flameburndown Family:

The girlfriend who failed last turn, angry at her bad aim, moves over and snatches up her spear again. With that, both of the black-haired beauties send spears flying towards Bill, trying to kill him a second time! The girl from last turn’s spear misses yet again, instead striking the spider in the face but not doing much. The other spear, however, goes sailing beautifully, smashing Bill in half. “Take that, you creep!” she yells, her battle bravado replacing intelligent thought.

22 - Bill dies twice

Grandma, now without  a spear, attempts to shove the heavily-armored Hero with her shield. Unfortunately for her, the Hero’s heavy armor stops her blow cold.

22 - Sheild Bash Failure

Meanwhile Arthur turns on the fire-sword to maximum heat. “I…” he shouts. “Am Arthur Fireburndown! Feel the heat of my wrath!” He proceeds to critically fail a sprint attempt, the foot of his mech breaking off as he lunges to one side, trying to stay upright. The Spider Riders look on and laugh.

23 - Sprint Failure

Junior watches as Arthur fails his attempt to use the Fire Mech for anything useful, and turns towards the horse that kicked him last turn. Gritting his teeth, he attempts a Heroic Jumping Onto Horse!

24 - Jump for the horse!

He sails through the air gracefully, arcing towards the riderless horse’s back…

24 - Jumping...

The horse has other ideas.

25 - Kick!

For the second turn in a row, Junior is kicked back to where he started by a horse. Great-grandfather Flameburndown is rolling in his grave for lack of epicness.

25 - Rough Landing...

Spider Riders:

The medic, once again, steps forwards to revive Bill. This time, he critically succeeds; Bill takes no more amputations! Which is good for him, as he doesn’t have a lot more to lose…

26 - Revival!

Sir Vanguard watches as both the Flameburndown sons fail their heroic actions, laughing. “Kids. I”ll show you how it’s done!” he exclaims, and attempts to perform a Heroic Beheading of Arthur’s girlfriend…

27 - Heroic Beheading

Which Critically Fails, causing his slice to miss her completely, instead beheading the next thing in range… Stephen the Medic. “Oops!” Vanguard exclaims. “My bad.”

28 - Goes horribly wrong!

Buck the Oreo-Kai grimaces. “Amateurs.” he growls, and proceeds to hack down Junior’s date.

29 - Stab!

Round Five:

30 - Overview turn 5

Flameburndown Family:

Arthur, still determined to act like the awesome fire ninja he’s supposed to be, pushes the Fire Mech forward; the metal machine jumps on one leg in order to move at all.

31 - Hopping!

Junior gets up, and, tired of trying to get on that stubborn horse, instead just Sprints; running a full thirteen inches.

32 - Running!

Grandpa’s mind has drifted to those beer tankards in the left-hand room, and he darts inside. “Just a quick drink or three.”

33 - Grandpa goes inside

The remaining Girlfriend attempts to shove Sir Vanguard over, but to no avail.

34 - Failed charge...

Spider Riders:

Buck, being the awesome Oreo-Kai that he is, takes out the second spear-thrower. Unfortunately it’s Grandma. “Sorry.” he grunts.

35 - Kill 2

Sir Vanguard swings his sword in an attempt to behead the last woman on the board, but to no avail. Her years of limbo experience have paid off!

36 - How low can you go!

Buck notices Grandpa and starts after him, while Bill spends his entire turn getting up again.

37 - Some moving

Round Six:

38 - Overview Turn 6

Flameburndown Family:

The girlfriend who so narrowly avoided death last turn grabs up a spear from the ground and charges Arachnus Deathicus with it. Although her spear does some damage, it’s not enough; and the monstrous spider’s response action crushes her.

39 - Spears but slashes

Arthur, relieved that he finally gets to do something cool, opens fire with the Mech’s Fire Gun! It’s two damage points short of killing Sir Vanguard, who was caught in the middle of the explosion.

40 - Fails to kill him!

Junior hacks at Arachnus Deathicus from behind, and the damage – combined with the last spear girl’s attack – is enough to take one point off the thing’s four health!

41 - Ice Slash!

Meanwhile Grandpa has almost reached the Beer!

44 - Grandpa's looking at the beer!

Spider Riders:

Bill decides that despite his physical disabilities, nothing will stop him from pursuing his dreams of death and destruction. In a moment inspirational to all of us, he fires the catapult. The resulting overkill damage is huge…

42 - Catapult kills Mech!

The Fire Mech explodes, Arthur perishing in the flames as joints break off, systems burn to a crisp, and the mighty Mech falls on its back.

43 - In the Fiiiire...

Round Seven:

45 - Turn Overview 7

Flameburndown Family:

Grandpa finally reaches the twin tankards, and takes a swig to discover… it’s no normal beer! Kept in a medieval cask to fit the aesthetic, it’s none other than Maniac Beer! As the green fumes arise from the noxious drink, he takes a heavy swig. So long as he carries that barrel, he receives one extra die of damage to all attacks!

46 - Grandpa takes a Swig!

Junior attempts to kick Bill off the back of the Arachnus Deathicus, but – as most Heroic Actions have done this game – he fails, instead injuring his foot on Bill’s armor and falling into the dirt.

47 - Tripping

Spider Riders:

Bill directs the Arachnus Deathicus to attack Junior; the sharp claws slashing towards him. Amazingly, against all odds, Junior survives both attacks, rolling first to one side and then the other; the razor-sharp talons narrowly hitting the ground instead of his head.

48 - Spider Slash

And Buck takes a detour from chasing Grandpa to pick up the sword of his leader. “I feel the power… I feel the power!” he snorts, lifting it into the air.

49 - By the power of Grayskull...

Round Eight:

“You boy!” Sir Vanguard exclaims haughtily. “You dare to challenge me?” “Um… yes!” Junior says, wishing he was better at heroic comebacks. “A duel, then!” the knight exclaims. The two heroes charge each other, creating a Heroic Duel!

50 - Heroic Duel

Unfortunately for Vanguard, the ground is ridden with gopher holes. He trips, just in time for Junior’s otherwise inexperienced sword to slash him in half.

51 - Slashy!

Grandpa charges out, somewhat crazed by the hyper-alcoholic beverage. He swings the flag towards an unsuspecting Buck…

52 - Flags are poky!

Smashing him in half before he even got the chance to use his new sword.

53 - Broken dreams

Bill, knowing that the tide has to turn or he won’t last much longer, guns the Arachnus Deathicus forward, Charge!ing Grandpa. The result? A whopping thirty-five points of damage to the five needed to kill the intoxicated family member.

54 - Spider-charge!

This is why you should not drink and drive, or drink while other people are driving giant spider monsters.

55 - Grandpa! NOOO!

Round Nine:

Junior leaps up to the top of Arachnus Deathicus. This is his time! His time to shine!

56 - Ninjump!

Bill shoves him off.

57 - Shove!

Round Ten:

But that doesn’t deter Junior! Getting up again, he leaps into the air; performing an ice-ninja triple twirl sword slash…

58 - Ice slice attack!

That conveniently ends with Bill sliced into more pieces than he already was in.

59 - Finally!

With that, the battle is over, with Junior the only man left alive! An overview of the carnage:

60 - Carnage overview

Although the fight was decent, the golden treasure chest remains completely untouched… until one day, far in the future, when Rockpile Castle has become a tourist attraction… two mobs of friendly visitors, enraged by the closure of the souvenir shop, will viciously fight to bring home that very same chest of treasure…

Stay tuned for Episode 2 of the Rockpile Saga!

The Cannonball Does Not ‘Bounce Off’ The Glass!

On the rocky, volcanic surface of planet Happyrainbows, a green crystal has been forming on top of a stalagmite. A green crystal the likes of which most minifigures would kill for: raw Manaic Beer. Once processed, it becomes a highly alcoholic beverage that gives incredible ferocity in battle to all who take a swig. Two regiments, from two different space armies, have been deployed to recover it. Neither of them knows of the other’s presence… but no doubt, they soon will!

Goal: Be holding the Crystal at the end of Round Five, when the Drop-Ships for each respective side will pick up each army. Alternatively, wiping out the other force by the end of Round Five will also grant you victory.

1 - Pacifus RegimentPacifus Regiment marched through the blackened valley, the heavily-armed Patriot Space Tank rolling behind them. “Hey,” said Heavy trooper Blitzen, “Remember that time when you guys all died, and I had one arm and no gun, and I killed four troops and won the battle for you?”

“Yeah. You told that story five minutes ago.” Heavy trooper Donner growled.

“Both of you be quiet!” Commander Pacifus barked, turning towards them and twirling his Chainsaw of Heroic Beheading in a threatening fashion. “Focus on getting that Crystal.”

“Why?” Heavy Blitzen grinned nonchalantly.

Commander Pacifus stopped walking, turned swiftly around, and stared Blitzen down with his mechanical eye, his chainsaw edging dangerously close to the Heavy Trooper. “Because…” Pacifus said menacingly. “It’s shiny.” With that the egotistical Hero turned back to face the trail. “There it is.” He pointed with his chainsaw. “Raw Maniac Beer… in its crystallized form!”

2 - The Blue Space Regiment

“This is Blue Space Brigade Beta Squadron. We have spotted the crystal and are on approach.” The pilot switched his radio to a different channel. “You doing okay down there?”

“Never better.” Bluestar the Hero grunted. “But this rocky terrain doesn’t making wearing heavy armor any easier… why couldn’t I ride on top of the plane like Bill there?”

“Too heavy.” the pilot radioed back. “And you Bill? Holding on okay back there?”

“I… I’m doing… fine!” the trooper called back over the comm.

“Wait. Who are those guys?” Bluestar radioed from below.

“I… don’t know! They must be after the crystal!” the pilot stuttered back.

“We can’t allow them to take it! Forward!” Bluestar roared, waving his ax and running forwards at a snail’s pace, as the great space plane swooped in overhead, with Bill sitting uncomfortably on the back.

3 - Overview

Round One: 

Both forces do some moving, but neither of them are in range of the other.

4 - Overview Round 1Round Two: 

 Blue Star Brigade

The blue ship surges forward, now sailing directly over the crater. Bill desperately hopes he won’t fall off into the volcanic formation.

5 - Ship flies      The pilot grins, firing as many of his guns as possible at Pacifus, who was unfortunately standing right in their sights. The damage would be enough to kill the grim Hero, but he calls in a Response Action, choosing to Bail behind the rock formation. Not the most heroic of actions, he reflects, but he’s alive, and that’s what matters.

6 - Pacifus Heroicly Avoids Death                                                                      Pacifus Regiment

Pacifus gets up, (luckily he’s only wearing light armor) and his troops charge forwards, hoping to be the first to the Crystal. Meanwhile, the Patriot aims its rather large Primary Cannon at the blue ship, which is now far too close to the massive weapon…

7 - The Regiment moves forwards“The cannonball bounces off the glass.” my brother stated simply.

“The cannonball bounces off the glass.” I scoffed.

“Yes. It’s Space Glass.”

“Cannonballs do not ‘bounce off’ glass!”


The Patriot’s cannonball smashes into the glass, causing it to shatter. However, the damage roll for the projectile is pathetically low, and both the pilot and the delicate control panels escape unharmed.

8 - Missile Strike

However, the Patriot wasn’t yet finished. Angela (the pilot of the great war machine) takes aim with the first of the two flick-fire missiles. It veers far to the left, striking high on the volcanic wall. However, the wing of the spacecraft was still in range of the explosion, and a lucky roll causes some fancy armor plating to bust off. Unfortunately that doesn’t help me much.

9 - Missile damages wingRound Three: 

For no reason apparent to me, my sister walked in, dropped some dynamite on the board, and walked out. We decided to leave it there.10 - Overview Round 2Blue Star Brigade:

That blue ship takes a shot at the Patriot. However, the damage roll is rather low, failing in its attempt to bust off the 2″ cannon on the top.

11 - Guns fail against Bigger GunMeanwhile, Bill decides to challenge fate, and grab the Green Crystal. With one of the plane’s wings lowered, he musters up his courage. The sight of the gleaming crystal below provides all the motivation he needs.12 - Climbing downHe clambers down the side, careful not to incinerate himself in the exhaust of the starship’s engines…13 - Careful!                                  And hangs from the wing, reaching out to grab the crystal. “It’s so beautiful!” he sobs as he reaches out to grab it.14 - Nearly...Lucky for him, he succeeds; and he breaks the glowing thing off from its resting place. The Maniac Beer will soon be theirs! Assuming they can keep it until the end of Round Five.15 - Got it!Meanwhile, Bluestar isn’t without plans of his own. Grabbing the dynamite that just fell from the sky, he tosses it at Pacifus and Co.16 - Dynamite!                                               Although Commander Pacifus and Jake the Scout are knocked back by the impact, the damage is low and both of them survive.17 - Harmless Explosion  Pacifus Regiment: 

Pacifus and the Scout both get up from the dirt and proceed to fire at Bluestar. Unfortunately, none of their attacks succeed in damaging him. That Heavy Armor of his is paying off.

18 - Kablammo

Angela, swearing that this next flick-fire missile will go much better than the last one, fires it. It hits another wall. The explosion is cool but it hits nothing.

19 - Rocky splosion

Round Four:

20 - Round three overview

Blue Star Brigade:

That blue space ship flips out a nasty surprise. A hidden flick-fire turret, armed with two Size 3 missiles! The first one detonates altogether too close to the Patriot, toasting Angela. The great war machine is now derelict.

21 - Missile

Smirking at the success of his first missile, the Pilot readies the second one. “This one will do a lot of damage.” he snarks, and aims it directly Pacifus’ group…

22 - Preparing to fire

Unfortunately for him, fate has a sense of humor. The missile indeed clears the barrel, but travels about a fourth of an inch before detonating on the ship’s back. The damage, however, fails in face of the Level 3 armor, and the ship remains unharmed, aside from the pride of the pilot. All launchable missiles on the board have now been used.

23 - Fail!

Angered by his failure, the pilot takes the ship up higher, hoping to avoid being shot at.

24 - Ship moves

Pacifus Regiment:

Unfortunately, the pilot just made a huge mistake. Bill, still clinging desperately to the wing of the ship, is now totally in sight of the Heavies Donner and Blitzen. Grinning knowingly, they open fire on the poor guy…

25 - Fire at the target!

And he takes massive overkill damage from both of them. He drops from the ship’s wing, falling into the burning crater.

26 - Smoldering defeat

“Hold on.” Pacifus says. “I haven’t done anything Heroic this entire battle! That must change! GraaAAAHHH!” The commander charges forwards, taking a Heroic Action: his classic Heroic Beheading. However, Bluestar didn’t take an action last turn, and so he uses a Heroic Action in response. Both of them charge towards each other, each simultaneously rolling for a Heroic Beheading of the opponent…

27 - Heroic Beheading x2

The result was practically inevitable.

28 - We're all winners here

Jake, seeing that Bluestar is no longer guarding the entrance to the crater, dashes in, clambering over the sharp rocky barrier.

29 - Onwards to treasure

Round Five:

30 - Round 4 overview

Blue Star Brigade:

With Bluestar and Bill both dead, the Pilot is running low on options. It’s Round Five, the dropship is due any minute now, and options are few. The only way to save face now would be to stay alive until the end of this round. Which does not explain the pilot’s choice to land his ship in the middle of the volcanic crater.

31 - Emergency Landing

Pacifus Regiment: 

Doc Razy, the Miracle Man, (out of the seven surgeries he’s performed throughout our games, six of them have been perfect) grabs his axe and attempts Ker-Triage! on Angela.

32 - Ker-triage!

Amazingly it works, with no severed limbs. His complete-success rate is now 7/8.

33 - Hoorah!

The newly-revived Angela powers up the 2″ gun on top of the Patriot. The shot is -2, use rating 4. If she doesn’t roll a 6, then Blue Star regiment will no doubt win the game.

34 - Kablam!

Well whaddya know? A 6! The resulting damage destroys the pilot.

35 - Lucky...

And that wraps up the game! With the Blue Star Regiment completely destroyed, Pacifus Regiment wins. However, as they don’t have the Crystal, the green treasure remains lying on the volcanic ground as the drop-ship arrives. “Get inside!” A pilot yells, the metal doors of the drop-ship sliding open.

“No! The crystal!” Pacifus screams, wishing his arm were about sixty feet longer and fireproof.

“There’s no time!” the pilot yells. Spacebucks closes at 8 PM and they’ll barely make it at this rate.

“Fine. But mark my words. I will return!” Pacifus roars, and clambers into the ship after his underlings. The plastic creation rises from the blackened valley and thrusts out into the stars. But this won’t be the last of it. As soon as he can, he’ll return again to recover the crystalline Maniac Beer… no matter the odds.

Fire Mechs are Overrated

Hey there, and welcome to the first post of The Plastic Pieces Perilous; a BrikWars Blog! This particular battle is a bit different from the ones that will be coming in the future. As it was my brother’s birthday, I thought I’d set up a game guaranteeing his success, while providing a reasonable challenge at the same time. So this is what I came up with: his complete birthday haul of Lego – consisting of several Hobbit-themed sets, two spacemen and two Chima dudes – against three waves of enemies. Each one of his fourteen characters was counted as a Hero, with no Crankiness penalties… you can see the results for yourself!

The Gallant Gunmen were lounging about one day, watching their leader twirl his mustache, when the pangs of hunger struck their respectable stomachs… but food was scarce in this strangely green post-apocalyptic wasteland. After trading a few bitingly eloquent insults, the gentleman realized that a certain race of short-legged men tend to keep well stocked pantries; and one of the characteristic green doors marking such a dwelling was just visible through the trees. Firing loudly into the air, the men strode forwards…

1 - Gallant Gunmen

Unfortunately for them, the short-legged man, a fellow by the name of Bailbow Biggins, wasn’t alone. In fact, he was hosting his hundred-and-eleventeenth birthday party, complete with guests like elves, dwarves, animal-men, and a solemn old wizard with an affinity for giant spiders. Angered at the loud disturbance, the guests charged outside, weapons in hand. The pantry would be defended at all costs!

2 - Fellowship Fighters

Although not all the guests are as courteous; two inconspicuous dwarves decided to stay inside and clean out the pantry while the party’s host was distracted.

4 - Munchin' Bread

Turn One – Gallant Gunmen

Sir Archibald Aimwell and his men run forward; taking cover behind trees but not yet firing their weapons; instead saving their Actions for use as Responses on the enemy’s turn.

5 - Hides behind tree

Turn One – Pantry Paladins

A giant spider scuttles towards a Gallant Gunman; only to be murdered with a single bullet in an incredible Response Action.

6 - One shot kills Spider

The other giant spider, enraged at the loss of its partner, charges at Sir Archibald. However, he has a response to make as well…

7 - Spider attacks Hero

A Heroic Action, causing him to jump back out of the spider’s grasp while shooting it at the same time, taking out one of its three HP.

8 - Heroic Jumping Back and Shooting

A dwarf with luscious long black hair is infuriated that he has to be stuck behind a dead giant spider for this picture, and so takes a lucky shot at a Gunman, killing him.

9 - Kili kills Gunman

The other two archers try to imitate the dwarf’s success by shooting at the prone Archibald. Unfortunately, they were chugging a lot of wine before the battle began, and their arrows shred turf instead of Minifig. The rest of the Heroes charge forwards from the house in the hill, but as they’re carrying melee weapons they don’t get the chance to do any fighting this turn.

10 - Archers Fail

Turn Two – Gallant Gunmen

11 - End of Turn One

Sir Archibald leaps to his feat, brushing grass from his suit. “This was my finest apparel, and now it’s soiled!” he roars, as he lets loose his pistols on the elf. However, being agile as he is, the elf sidesteps the shots with ease.

12 - Hero Fails

Meanwhile, the remaining five Gallant Gunmen combine their fire on the remaining giant spider; inflicting only a single point of damage and sadly letting it live to see another round.

13 - Shooting at the Spider

Turn Two – Pantry Paladins

Both the Elf and the Blue Spaceman fire at Sir Archibald, who is now standing on his legs again. Their shots also fail to kill him…

14 - They Fail too

However, the turn is not over. As the melee-weapon heroes begin to reach the conflict, an Elf Lady dashes towards poor Archibald Aimwell, razor-sharp daggers in hand…

15 - Elf Lady Arrives

And promptly dissects him with a whopping thirty-nine points of damage to his nineteen points of armor.

16 - Some disassembly required

Meanwhile, the last giant spider attacks, hacking down one Gallant Gunman, but Critically Failing to the other, and thus breaking off its own arm on the lucky guy’s machine gun.

18 - Kills man; loses arm

Angry that his short legs can’t carry him any faster, a dwarf makes a Heroic Action…

19 - To Kill with a Bottle

Decapitating the beleaguered Gunman with a glass bottle.

20 - Killed by the Beer

The Wizard attempts a Heroic Action of his own; a Fire Blast…

21 - Magic Feat

Which explodes with the proper volatility and vehemence, yet somehow fails to harm either of the two gunmen affected. They slide through the mud as the explosion pushes them away… but despite their dirtied suits, they’re both grateful to be alive.

22 - Only knocks 'em off their feet

Another dwarf tries to throw his knife; however, the abundance of wine at the half-finished party seems to be affecting him too, and the knife goes sailing past the lucky gentleman.

23 - Knife!

Meanwhile Max the Red Spaceman gets an awesome picture, but fails to hit the gentleman, who has now survived the knife and the bullet in the same turn.

24 - Kills him

Turn Three – Gallant Gunmen

The Gallant Gunmen shed manly tears over the loss of Sir Archibald Aimswell. “He was a good chap.” says one. “We’ll do our best to avenge him! For Aimswell!” roars another. “For Aimswell!” they all cheer, and raising their guns together against the Spider Wizard, they anticlimactically fail to hit anything at all.

25 - Gandalf Lives

Turn Three – Pantry Paladins

The Elf Lady, hungrier for violence than for the food back in the pantry, stabs viciously at a Gunman. But with skill that his leader did not possess, he dodges the thrust, missing the blade by centimeters.

26 - He dodges!

While the man is busy celebrating, the Wizard comes up behind him and crushes him with a heavy staff. The anger of the Pantry Paladins knows no bounds.

27 - But Gandalf Gets him

Max the Red Spaceman snatches up a gun from a fallen Gunman, and proceeds to kill two more of the respectable soldiers – one with each gun. This finishes off the last of the Gallant Gunmen! No doubt, they will return to fight in other battles soon. But for the moment, victory belongs to the Pantry Paladins. The Heroes proceed to move in an inconsequential fashion, several of them abandoning their weapons for the more useful machine guns left over from the Gunmen.

28 - Another two dead

Turn Four – Scarrible Scarabs

Just as the last Gunman hits the dirt, the defenders of the pantry turn to see that all the commotion has attracted the attention of a passing group of insect-like aliens, all of whom are armed with ray guns. The aliens stand in bug-eyed stupor for a second, before noticing the green door in the hill behind, and understanding what the fighting is all about. Half-crazed with hunger (the closest McDonalds was recently blown up in a freak Critical Failure while frying burgers) the aliens decide to take on the entire force of Heroes, hoping to secure the food inside the comfortable little house.

29 - Arrival of the Scarabs

The Scarabs run forwards, taking advantage of their numbers. Three of them team up against a single target; Max the Red Spaceman! He dies instantaneously as the deadly radiation guns reduce him to a skeleton.

30 - A Spaceman dies!

Another group of three aliens dashes forward. Seeing how lucky their companions were with atomizing the Spaceman, they try to do the same thing with the Black-haired Dwarf, but to no avail. These dwarves are made of tougher stuff. The dwarf in turn uses a Response Action to let loose on the aliens, but he too misses them.

31 - Kili fails another shot

Turn Four – Pantry Paladins

A particularly tough-looking dwarf with a massive hammer scores a massive success on an alien, ripping the crusty creature in half.

32 - The Hammer

The elderly dwarf who threw that knife a few turns back has recovered from the wine’s effects now, and he aims his newfound machine gun at one of the Scarabs…

33 - Balin takes a shot

Killing the alien, and the one behind him as well! These old guys are tougher than they look!

34 - Overkill!

The fair-haired elf with the bow and arrow (circled in this picture) massively overkills another alien!

35 - Hyper Arrow

The Giant Spider, who had to sit for a turn and catch its spidery breath, is back again, slashing ferociously at one of the last few aliens. However, the clumsy arthropod misses him by a few feet.

36 - Spider takes another

Turn Five – Scarrible Scarabs

The Alien Hero fails to hit anything with his overly large gun.

38 - Scarabus' shot fails

However, his two remaining followers make up for his lack of killing anything by gunning down the knife-throwing, machine-gun-wielding dwarf; a most refreshing success.

37 - Balin dies!

Turn Five – Pantry Paladins

The Spider takes its turn first, slashing down another Alien; leaving his companion with a very low morale.

39 - Another bug is Spidered

Meanwhile the Hammer Dwarf misses the crustaceous monster by only an inch…

40 - Missed by half an inch

A problem which is soon remedied by the Elf Lady, who adds to her murderous reputation by dicing the alien quite neatly.

42 - Sliced and Diced

The last remaining alien, a mere grunt, decides to beat it. But at this point, it’s too late. The Wizard runs in from behind, narrowly missing the alien with his heavy staff.

43 - Gandalf Misses

The Black-haired Dwarf fires at the same alien, also missing. That’s two Heroes who have failed to kill the insignificant foot soldier! Will he be able to escape next turn yet?

44 - Kili Misses

Apparently not. Just as the insect’s hopes begin to rise, a lucky elven arrow breaks him in half.

45 - Elf dude succeeds!

With that, all the hungry aliens have been eliminated from the board. The weathered band of heroes looks on, scanning the nearby hills for any sign of more apocalypse survivors in search of a pantry to raid.

Turn Six – Flaming Fist

Out of nowhere, a Fire Portal opens up, allowing a FlaMech to step through! Driven by the great ninja Flaming Fist, this impressive construction is armed with a fistful of explosives and a huge flaming sword!

49 - It is here!

He immediately proceeds to fire an explosive at a Crocodile Man who’s been slowly trudging towards the battle this entire time. The Reptilian survives the explosion; but is knocked off his heavily armored feet.

50 - Knocks over the Croc

A second explosive is fired in the direction of the party’s host, who has only just recently started walking nervously towards the battle; joined by the two dwarves who have now finished devouring everything in the pantry. Both Bailbo Biggins and the dwarves bail to safety, however.

51 - Bailbo Biggins

Turn Six – Pantry Paladins

Bailbo Biggins, mustering up all his courage, strikes with his dual Sting Swords at the ankle of the mechanical monstrosity… slicing it off the rest of the robot! The great Flaming Fist yanks at his controls, causing his machine to lurch precariously into the air… but at least it’s still standing!

52 - Ankle falls

A Dog-man tries to hack away at the joint connecting the hand to the rest of the arm; although his blade misses the target, burying itself in the dirt.

53 - The Wolf Misses

The Blue Spaceman fires a Crossbow shot, stabbing into the arm’s joint, but not totally separating it. “Hey! Dwarf!” he shouts. “Little help here?!”

54 - CrossBow!

“With pleasure!” the dwarf roars, firing his twin machine guns into the ball joint!

55 - And Bofur finishes it off!

With a shriek of shredded metal, the hand – and the precious fire sword that it was holding – breaks off from the rest of the arm.

56 - The Hand is gone!

But the Pantry Paladins are still not through! One of the dwarves who was eating for most of the battle heroically throws a sword, completely severing the missile-launching hand of the robot.

57 - End of the other hand

Flaming Fist decides that, deprived of all his heavy weaponry, there is only one honorable way to end the battle. Gathering together all his bravery for one last heroic action, he yanks on the controls, causing the mech to leap into the air…

58 - Falling

And come crashing down on the head of the Wizard, along with anyone standing too close!

59 - Crash!

When the smoke clears, over half of the Heroes are still left alive. Flaming Fist perished in his own explosion; and so it is with joy that the defenders of the Pantry leave the muddied field to continue the Birthday celebration inside.

60 - The Battle is Done

Summary: It was a total massacre in favor of the Pantry Paladins, but then again, it was supposed to be. Doomed as they were, it was fun leading these smaller groups of gunners against a much more powerful force, and considering the odds they actually did rather well. The FlaMech didn’t do anything much aside from a kamikaze at the end, but then again, it’s hard to do much when your hands and a foot are all severed in the same turn…

Well, that about wraps it up for now. See you next time, with a new game of BrikWars!